I’m 43 years old, and my wife, Sue, is 40. We’ve been married for 16 years and have two kids: a 14-year-old daughter and a 9-year-old son. Our marriage had a rocky start, but we made it through those tough years and came out much better for it. We married young, not fully mature, but we knew we loved each other and believed we could conquer any obstacle.

My wife is a manager at a very big advertisement company, and I’m in engineering. Both our jobs pay well, giving our family a pretty good lifestyle. We were a very tight-knit family, always ensuring that no matter how busy we got, we made time for our kids, creating great memories. Honestly, I considered myself a good dad and husband. I messed up sometimes when it came to my wife, but I would have done anything for this woman.

That’s why it shocked me to my core when I found out she was in a long-term affair.

It started two years ago. Sue became distant. She just didn’t seem to like anything I did. She constantly compared me to her boss. “Can’t you read my mind? My boss can.” “You don’t take the initiative to take me out on dates and make me feel special. My boss does that for his wife.” She would always ask why I was so immature.

When I’d ask what she wanted me to do to spice up our love life, her answer was usually: “Don’t ask. You need to already know and do it.”

So, I researched, bought books, trying to find the answer. Anything I attempted was met with either half-hearted appreciation or bitter disappointment. Sue was never like this in all the years I’d known her, so I thought my inability to make her happy was something I seriously needed to fix. Little did I know, I wasn’t the one who needed fixing.

Our family was very close to her boss and his wife. They also have kids, and the kids loved each other. We invited them to our barbecues, family outings, you name it. I would even confide in her boss about our marital problems, and I thought he gave me good advice. He seemed like a swell guy.

I had grown emotionally tired from my wife’s demands to “better myself.” One night, while we were in bed, she was busy laughing and giggling while texting someone. I was curious and leaned my head over to take a peek. Instantly, she viciously pulled the phone away, angrily asking what I was doing. I told her I just wanted to see what the joke was, and she said it was none of my business before retreating to the bathroom.

I think that’s the day when, deep down, I just knew there was an affair going on.

The next day, I made the mistake of asking her directly. She was furious and denied any wrongdoing. I didn’t have access to her phone, but I desperately wanted the truth. Later that night, she grudgingly gave me the phone. Almost every text message she sent to specific people was deleted. I could tell because some conversations seemed inconsistent.

A month later, I got a buddy to check the phone and recover the deleted texts. My wife had gotten another phone prior and hardly used the one she handed me. But some texts were recovered. Through bits and pieces, I finally had proof that there was an affair going on. And you already guessed it: with her boss.

I knew if I confronted her then and there, she would find some way to weasel out of it. So I bided my time. I was a wreck, though. All I could think about was how it was going to affect the kids. Three days later, in a last, desperate attempt to save our marriage, I bought a book called “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From an Affair.” I planned on talking to her that Saturday.

But she told me they had an emergency at work and not to wait up. Of course, I contacted the workplace that day to confirm. They weren’t open on Saturdays. I tried her phone, but no answer. She came home at 2:00 in the morning on Sunday, immediately showered, and then came to bed. I asked why she was late; she dodged the question.

I was sick of this. I was suffering, and she saw me suffering and didn’t care.

In my desperation, I contacted her boss’s wife. She was as shocked as I was when she found out. She wanted to confront her husband, but I told her he would probably lie and try to hide it better, just like my wife did. We met at her house to discuss what was going on. I gave her the little proof that we had. She wanted more.

So, we both decided to gather evidence on each of our sides. I started snooping on my wife more, and she did the same with her husband. It was very easy on her end to find undeniable proof. Her husband was so arrogant that he didn’t even delete the texts on his phone between him and my wife. The little texts I found earlier finally made sense. We had a whole picture of how long the affair was: two years.

The boss’s wife was livid, and so was I. They slept together everywhere: her house, my house, expensive hotels, business trips. It was sickening to read all that. We both wanted revenge. We decided that if they wanted each other, then they could have each other. We both drew up divorce papers at around the same time.

Our spouses didn’t know that we knew. We acted our part. By the time our ducks were in a row, they were at it again. This time, through collaborating with the boss’s wife, we knew exactly where they were going to be. We knew which hotel they booked for their weekend of fun.

I personally went there with the sheriff. I waited in the lobby as the sheriff got everything working, and my wife was called to come down from her room. She did, dressed in a bathrobe and, I fear, nothing else. She was panicking, frantically asking me what I was doing there. The sheriff asked for confirmation of her name and information. She confusedly answered in the affirmative and was served.

Seeing the shocked look on her face was very satisfying, but I didn’t want to rub it in. I decided to walk away. She didn’t let me, holding my arm, pulling me back and demanding to know the meaning of this.

“You had an affair,” I told her. “And I’m leaving you. Simple.”

She started screaming at me, then pulling my arm hard. The sheriff had to step in and tell her to release me at once. She did so and started crying, telling me she could explain, that I had the wrong idea, that it was my fault. I was getting angry, so I left quickly.

My wife told her boss, and he panicked. He rushed home only to be served there. We did not give them time to get their heads on straight. We blindsided them, just like they did us.

My divorce will be finalized in a couple of months. Both my wife and her boss have been fighting us on the divorces. The excuses I hear are that they never intended to leave their spouses, that it was a purely sexual affair, nothing more. That they messed up and would like a chance to fix the situation.

When I asked my wife what she thought the outcome of all this was, she said she was just “going with the flow” and acted completely out of character. That “she’s not that person anymore.” I told her she was an idiot.

People around me are calling me evil for not giving my wife another chance. My kids know what’s going on and they are behind me 100%, but would like it if we stayed together. My resolve is slipping, coupled by the fact that we still live in the same house. My wife is going to therapy and reading the book I bought. It’s getting harder to stick to my guns.

She says she’s remorseful and will do whatever it takes. All I tell her is: “You’re just sorry you got caught, and that’s all I need to know.”

She called me a bitter, resentful person who can’t look past all the negativity. The boss’s wife and I still talk, and my wife absolutely hates that. She thinks I’m going to have a revenge affair, or that the boss’s wife is the reason I won’t give us another chance. She has asked me repeatedly to initiate no contact with her, just like she did with her boss. I told her she’s crazy. We didn’t do anything wrong.

I have no respect for her. She still doesn’t want to give up and is actively trying to engage with me about her thoughts and processes to her affair. I see them as excuses, so I don’t entertain her. She wants me to do therapy with her. She wants me to read infidelity books with her. She wants to be intimate. I told her she was not going to manipulate me with sex. She says it’s not manipulation, she just wants to show me how much she loves me. I corrected her and said, “love me now, you mean.”

People around me, even my mom, are frustrated with me. They say people make mistakes, and my wife realizes through her mistakes that she truly does love me. I told people that I will never be anyone’s fallback plan.

We did go to a few therapy sessions together. One session was very good and made me understand that my wife is actually remorseful. The second session was a mess of her being upset at me for continuously contacting the boss’s wife. It was the angriest I ever was through this whole mess.

The boss’s wife is still leaving her husband. He is still fighting her on the divorce. She is as adamant as I am. I will admit we do confide in each other when we have low days. But there is no affair happening. We are just on friendly terms.

My kids are fine. They know just because we’re divorcing doesn’t mean we love them any less. My wife doesn’t work at the advertisement company anymore. She resigned shortly after I served her. She has been strictly no contact with her former boss.

The closer the divorce comes to being final, the more at peace I feel. She recently had a long discussion, asking to have a chance after the divorce. She offered a postnup. She seems quite willing, but I don’t see how that would benefit any of us.

Bizarrely, she even suggested a trial separation where I could go out and “get my mojo back” with other women, and she would remain faithful and wait. I rejected the crazy idea.

These past few weeks, my wife has been strangely calm and patient. She’s like a different person. Though she doesn’t want it, she has been very generous in the divorce. I’ve read so many times where divorces get nasty, but not mine. Everything is split half and half, though she has been very generous on her side. She confesses it’s because I have been a great husband and father.

I am officially divorced. It happened almost three weeks ago. For the better part of a few days after the fact, I grieved like I lost a loved one. I think it hit me extremely hard that my marriage failed so spectacularly.

My ex moved out of the house and I’m looking to buy her out of her part of it. She lives in an apartment now, a very big downgrade for her. She is still going to the therapist, still invested in reading and studying infidelity. We’ve had long talks leading up to and after the divorce, for the kids’ sake. The tune is the same: she wants to reconcile, and I think it’s too risky.

This past weekend, I accompanied the OBS—Other Betrayed Spouse—to dinner. Things got flirty between us. Well, I guess I should say the night ended in a very passionate way. It was probably the most mind-blowing sex I’ve ever had. OBS is very much a giver. I didn’t intend for it to go that far, but she was willing, and I was as well.

I don’t think we will take our relationship further, to be honest. I think the hormones and wine got the best of us. She would like to, but I am undecided. I need to sort myself out emotionally. But I feel very good. People might not like hearing this, but the sex I had with OBS really helped a lot with my residual self-esteem issues. I felt desired, alive, and finally understood what I was missing out on. I will never settle for robotic sex again.

Looking back, I’m very proud of how I handled all this. I wasn’t perfect, but I did the best I could. A few takeaways:

1. Respect yourself. Never, ever accept disrespect from anyone else.
2. Everyone deserves a healthy, fulfilling relationship. Never settle for scraps from your partner.
3. If you’re ever betrayed, only you can truly heal yourself. It took a long time for me to understand this.

As of today, my girlfriend (yes, the former OBS) and I are doing fantastic. I’ve never had a stronger relationship. The kids are getting along really well now, too. My daughter and son love her to bits. My ex-wife and I are on good terms, for the sake of our daughter, who has thankfully found it in her heart to forgive her mother. My ex still seems to be hoping for a second try, but I’ve made peace with the past. It’s her problem for not doing the same.

There’s no fairytale “happily ever after” here. Just really happy now.